Pre Production: Second draft script feedback

This feedback tutorial with Simon was probably the most helpful tutorial of all as it really allowed me to dig even deeper into more ideas for a better story line. 

Some of the key feedback points made in this session; 

• The parents ; It still comes across as they are too against what he wants to do so it still comes across as they are the sole reason behind his depression. This misses the mark a little bit because it takes focus away from other possible issues. For example, its like when you push someone, they will be angry. I'd be given 
• The fundamental thing should be the fact that they aren't listening to Isaiah. This should be applied to the relationships shown. This showing that he will feel alone. 
• Don't have the parents get so angry, make it so it's as if he's invisible. They're not stopping him, they're just not listening.
• Make Lily the only person who gets close to listening to him but still doesn't really listen. In a way, his anger would be more profound.
• It doesn't seem so shocking if it is based on a situation where he is forced to be angry, it would work better if the settings around him are quite still and therefore his anger coming from what isn't necessarily an angry situation can work better. It says a lot more about him and his feelings. 
• Parents should be more passive. 
• Maybe they don't pay attention to his art, he's invisible. 
• Get more visual, still relies on very forced dialogue. It is "on the nose dialogue" I'm talking about what is on screen which makes it less effective. It would be better to have the characters are talking around things a lot more. 
• Maybe its a conversation between the two people or make it more poetic and allow it to still relate to what is shown. 
• Is the voice a conversation with Lily? 
• Dont force it with dialogue. Maybe think about no dialogue and have it minimalist. Think about when he is with her, when people talk about things that have happened to them, maybe they go off on a story about themselves but it's not just normal dialogue about whats going on in that moment. What about their hopes and dreams?
• maybe what happened in the past?
• Opportunity for him to explore the fact that he doesn't know what he wants. 
• Maybe Lily is someone who is super organised, knows what she wants in life but he is the opposite.
• River - somewhere where he feels is the only place he can think or work out who he is. He keeps getting drawn to.
• In terms of the Art- its really important what it is and I need to connect that. could his drawings end up 
• Does the art get darker as his mental health deteriorate? 
• Connect Art to the river and his emotions.
• Dialogue between Lily seems unreal and unnatural. Think about how you talk to your friends as it seems a bit stiff. You get a sense that he likes her but the way they interact isn't quite there yet.
• Dont force it. leave it out, does the scene still make sense? if it does then don't force it. 
• The conflict doesn't have to be the parents saying no, the conflict is coming out of him all the time as he keeps making the wrong decisions. The fact that he stops calling Lily back. When you're depressed you make mistakes and lose perspective so HE is the conflict and the key relationship is between I'm and Lily. him not turning up for the exhibition could be purely down to him and no one else. Its too much for him and he can't bear to do it. This would work better.
• Look at the Voice Over as it drops in and out. It isn't consistent. There are periods where it comes in and out. 
• Look at the pictures first and then look at whether you need the VO. Write with your pictures and then think about dialogue. Think is this making sense? do we learn about our character more? is this moving the story along? and so if it is then you don't need to put in dialogue.
• Think about how images can tell the story, the way he looks at lily, How can you show how he feels about her? you won't need to add the dialogue.
• Make the change with parents and everything else will fall into place.  

I left this session feeling very enlightened as I think I now fully understand what the issue was. Even when I sent in the second draft, I knew something wasn't right. I have now taken the right steps in improving my script and will continue to do the relevant research about mental health to make sure the characteristics and emotions are accurate.